If I do...
Since the beginning,
The dallas voting thing had been a task religiously done for two reasons-
1)helping brent reach his dreams.
2)help me reach mine.
I don't mean to meet him, that was never the objective.
I just feel like I'd find something.
In L.A.?
or in his presence?
as weird as it sounds, he did inspire me.
bigg time.
[he makes me feel like you can be awkward, crazy, hyper, genuine, and be accepted, anyway-
I've never felt like that. Just to be yourself is such a gift I'm glad someone gave me :)]
I wouldn't know what'd happen if I won.
I know I'd scream.
I know I'd cry.
I know the chances of me winning are low, but i don't give. I want this sweepstakes with more than keyboard, hands & heart could ever express.
and again, with this "no one knows" crap, but i know no1 can feel the way i do right now.
I wish, just for once, the choices I make can take me somewhere good.
I was put in a gorgeous household, with awesome, caring parents, but it still feels like my life is still on the runway.(the one with the planes, not the dresses)
Like I said,
I don't know what'd I'd find there that I couldn't find here.
but I know it's something.
If I don't...
I know I have my music, friends, family, writing, dogs, blah.bluhblah.
I know I'll still buy a macbook & camera.
I know I'll still put my socks on the same way.....?
I'll still watch Brent regularly, and be in the mainroom even though i don't talk :P (sorry!)
I'll probably find inspirations some other way--.
maybe my choices will take me to even cooler places?
(hhmm. nowhere seems as cool as LA right noww.)
*sighh*
God. I really, really want this.
Please.
someone?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Upset?Eh.Awkward?Uh-Huh.Albino?FORSURE.
hi.
i just had a wierrdd conversation.
it was last night, but now it's had time to ripen, and now, is the time, i write.
[Shudders with the Epic-ness of that sentence]
haha anyway i wont bother with capitalizing or irrelevent punctuation, because i need this just down. like downn.
you know that guyy?
the guy that starts with two A's??
he's been going out with this chick i know (cough cough kaytlin scott) for a monthh already.
which brings me to my title.
I'm upset in the way it's been so long already. also, actually this bothers me mountains more, how guys say one thing, being completely empty-minded and not so sure about it (but they say they know they're sure) but have this crazy ability to change their mind. and then what do they say? one of two things:
1) " I never promised "
2) " Things changed between Her and I" (no. you are just a guy. guys like you like to like, if you catch my drift. oh and you really don't make yourself look like less of a manwhore by telling me you "just always need to have someone to have in your heart". )
3) "move on already" (look, i have moved on. but I still feel ownership over you, and a part of me still looks up to you for being my first for... well, everything. )
And while I'm ranting, I hope he took those goddamn headphones out for good, you poser.
yea. you messed with music, and you're messing with this chick.
to him and anyone possibly reading this that does that, please. frigging. stop.
"That": Putting earphones in your ear with out listening to music, just for the "effect" that you're so emo/scene/retarded.
honestly?!
grow the F*CK up.
[Anger hass returned, thank god.
i was afraid i'd gone soft.]
glad i'd gotten rid of you before the sh*t you "didn't" promise happened.
thank you for pissing me off enough to hate you,
otherwise i'd still be crying.
on a lighter knowte.
[[hahahaha]]
Tis True!
I am albinoh!
except for one spot above my left ear. no dye wantedto accociate with that area, so it looks like an awkwardly place leopard spot or whatever you kids call it.
not ready for school.
cuzz i hate it.
<3 everybody who isnt a douche.
yourwelcome for the honest truth, btw.
i just had a wierrdd conversation.
it was last night, but now it's had time to ripen, and now, is the time, i write.
[Shudders with the Epic-ness of that sentence]
haha anyway i wont bother with capitalizing or irrelevent punctuation, because i need this just down. like downn.
you know that guyy?
the guy that starts with two A's??
he's been going out with this chick i know (cough cough kaytlin scott) for a monthh already.
which brings me to my title.
I'm upset in the way it's been so long already. also, actually this bothers me mountains more, how guys say one thing, being completely empty-minded and not so sure about it (but they say they know they're sure) but have this crazy ability to change their mind. and then what do they say? one of two things:
1) " I never promised "
2) " Things changed between Her and I" (no. you are just a guy. guys like you like to like, if you catch my drift. oh and you really don't make yourself look like less of a manwhore by telling me you "just always need to have someone to have in your heart". )
3) "move on already" (look, i have moved on. but I still feel ownership over you, and a part of me still looks up to you for being my first for... well, everything. )
And while I'm ranting, I hope he took those goddamn headphones out for good, you poser.
yea. you messed with music, and you're messing with this chick.
to him and anyone possibly reading this that does that, please. frigging. stop.
"That": Putting earphones in your ear with out listening to music, just for the "effect" that you're so emo/scene/retarded.
honestly?!
grow the F*CK up.
[Anger hass returned, thank god.
i was afraid i'd gone soft.]
glad i'd gotten rid of you before the sh*t you "didn't" promise happened.
thank you for pissing me off enough to hate you,
otherwise i'd still be crying.
on a lighter knowte.
[[hahahaha]]
Tis True!
I am albinoh!
except for one spot above my left ear. no dye wantedto accociate with that area, so it looks like an awkwardly place leopard spot or whatever you kids call it.
not ready for school.
cuzz i hate it.
<3 everybody who isnt a douche.
yourwelcome for the honest truth, btw.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Big Conclusions
Okay just to put this out there I do hate her lots. but I decided something today. (My numerology reading thing said today I will be making big desicions sooo...)
Eff her.
she's a whore.
that's her ish.
I'm going to do what I want to and thats meet people that really care about music like I do, and earn respect by that, instead of expecting it from people who really don't give a crap about.... well, anything.
so if anyones like, seriously serious about guitars and drums and basses- pleasee.
I'm starting to think I'm the only one who really wants this,
and I know that's not true.
or if it is, the world is more messed up than I could ever imagine.
you mess with music, you mess with this chick.
and you dont want that.
:P
oh, and, be supportive?
I'm thinking of a couple people when I say that;
I want to make music, just like you did.
the only thing is, I want to give an entire band credit, not just myself.
so please, stop with the crap attitude that I won't be able to do it, or it's stupid for me to think I'll go anywhere with it.
I just started, and I know I probably won't go anywhere, (what you mean by that is beyond me; as you never went anywhere yourself; how would you know? we dream the same thing, except I don't want fame just for the sake of fame.) but be the one that gives me the strength to keep trying?
you are starting to make me not do anything I find interesting and maybe thats why, subconsciously, I don't call you back?
shape up, kid.
be a real friend, like you were.
well, thats it.
<3, i guess.
Eff her.
she's a whore.
that's her ish.
I'm going to do what I want to and thats meet people that really care about music like I do, and earn respect by that, instead of expecting it from people who really don't give a crap about.... well, anything.
so if anyones like, seriously serious about guitars and drums and basses- pleasee.
I'm starting to think I'm the only one who really wants this,
and I know that's not true.
or if it is, the world is more messed up than I could ever imagine.
you mess with music, you mess with this chick.
and you dont want that.
:P
oh, and, be supportive?
I'm thinking of a couple people when I say that;
I want to make music, just like you did.
the only thing is, I want to give an entire band credit, not just myself.
so please, stop with the crap attitude that I won't be able to do it, or it's stupid for me to think I'll go anywhere with it.
I just started, and I know I probably won't go anywhere, (what you mean by that is beyond me; as you never went anywhere yourself; how would you know? we dream the same thing, except I don't want fame just for the sake of fame.) but be the one that gives me the strength to keep trying?
you are starting to make me not do anything I find interesting and maybe thats why, subconsciously, I don't call you back?
shape up, kid.
be a real friend, like you were.
well, thats it.
<3, i guess.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Ignoring Me [But It's Cool], HATREDHATREDHATRED, Ghost
Part I
Hi-oh.
Just forcing myself to stop the voting for a couple seconds. [I know I feel guilty about it :( ]
anyway I wanted to type some observations having to do with my family and my very vocal expression of interests..
yea.
I know I annoy them, but I can't stop! Anything about the music I listen to to the shirts I want, the people on the internet, anything I'm excited about, I can't shutup. Or I can, but I swear I'd go frigging insane!
So, when I was talking to my mom I noticed something- she completely tuned me out. Usually she's good at like, saying, "oh uh-huh? well thats interesting, Honey!" -even if she had no clue what I just said. I'm fine with that.
But when there's an awkward silence?
or an irritated, low-toned "hmff."?
We all know what happens.
A gay infant is brought into the world.
And like I said I know I bring it on to myself, but JEEZ, woman. You were really 'effing good at hiding your disinterest! what happened to those wicked acting skillzz?
Part II
Have you ever hated someone so much, and never even talked to them?
all you do is watch them talk to others, watch them buy your exact clothing[just to piss you off], Watch them take everything you built up from the past year, all the self-esteem, all the strength to be your own person, and crush it with the tip of one fad-following finger, ALL without one word spoken to you? And the worst part is, nobody understands why you hate that person? If you answered yes to all of these, you might be feeling the same way. oh, especially if the one who's doing all this, Is a complete and utter Stupid-ass WHORE who CANNOT function without dirty comments from 7th grade boys. she can't form a real sentence without other whore help, and spends free time fooling around with other hos in bathrooms- with cameras and a connection to myspace.
This person is really, really pissing me off,
to say the teeniest, tiniest, weensiest least.
I wonder why people like her exist.
I really wonder why people like her exist, just to take my entire life away.
posing, air-headed, slutty piece of shit.
all of them.
RAAWARARRAKAKWLWLWAMVAMMNNNNLALAKKRrRRRRRRRRRrr.
Part III
on a lighter, much creepier note, I just watched the movie "ghost."
I forgot about hell until I watched this movie.
now I'm super scared I'm going to steal 4,000,000 dollars and kill people.
I don't want to go to hell :S.
Hi-oh.
Just forcing myself to stop the voting for a couple seconds. [I know I feel guilty about it :( ]
anyway I wanted to type some observations having to do with my family and my very vocal expression of interests..
yea.
I know I annoy them, but I can't stop! Anything about the music I listen to to the shirts I want, the people on the internet, anything I'm excited about, I can't shutup. Or I can, but I swear I'd go frigging insane!
So, when I was talking to my mom I noticed something- she completely tuned me out. Usually she's good at like, saying, "oh uh-huh? well thats interesting, Honey!" -even if she had no clue what I just said. I'm fine with that.
But when there's an awkward silence?
or an irritated, low-toned "hmff."?
We all know what happens.
A gay infant is brought into the world.
And like I said I know I bring it on to myself, but JEEZ, woman. You were really 'effing good at hiding your disinterest! what happened to those wicked acting skillzz?
Part II
Have you ever hated someone so much, and never even talked to them?
all you do is watch them talk to others, watch them buy your exact clothing[just to piss you off], Watch them take everything you built up from the past year, all the self-esteem, all the strength to be your own person, and crush it with the tip of one fad-following finger, ALL without one word spoken to you? And the worst part is, nobody understands why you hate that person? If you answered yes to all of these, you might be feeling the same way. oh, especially if the one who's doing all this, Is a complete and utter Stupid-ass WHORE who CANNOT function without dirty comments from 7th grade boys. she can't form a real sentence without other whore help, and spends free time fooling around with other hos in bathrooms- with cameras and a connection to myspace.
This person is really, really pissing me off,
to say the teeniest, tiniest, weensiest least.
I wonder why people like her exist.
I really wonder why people like her exist, just to take my entire life away.
posing, air-headed, slutty piece of shit.
all of them.
RAAWARARRAKAKWLWLWAMVAMMNNNNLALAKKRrRRRRRRRRRrr.
Part III
on a lighter, much creepier note, I just watched the movie "ghost."
I forgot about hell until I watched this movie.
now I'm super scared I'm going to steal 4,000,000 dollars and kill people.
I don't want to go to hell :S.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Internet, Fresh-Films, And Ultrasoundy Armpit..?.
Part I
Just watching Brent on Blogtv-
supposed to be voting but it's getting too close to school time for me to be paying any attention whatsoever. (Makes Sense...? no.) Oh and plus my mom took away my phone because she thinks we'll get charged for abusing the power that is "Unlimited Texting". Ugh it's weird because when I'm on the internet I feel like I'm a part of something, you know? I mean, it's probably just me, but to be honest I really don't have many friends in real life so the internet kinda gives me a chance to... I guess, pretend?
Like I see Sacre & Beth talk back and forth on twitters. see they're like half way across the country. (well I don't know for sure but they could, right?) And they talk like they're best friends that talk every day at school. I just want that really bad, someone to tell me what I missed in Brent's chat, or how awkward shaycarl's vid is. Go to a frigging gathering together and meet our IDOLS. someone to make me feel like I'm not a complete oddball or geek? There's another world on the internet, of all people I might have the chance to finally fit in with. But the entire real world, consisting of tv, radio, articles and newspaper, they make my family and everyone else believe EVERYBODY on the internet is a middle-aged lonely, horny man with a cutesy screen name and an intent to hook up with a 13 year-old girl. I'm NOT denying it. I would be lying if I said there wern't. But what people don't realize is that's the negative. Any smart, responsible internet user would know not to trust, fully, the people they meet on here. [And I know I just suggested meeting up at a gathering, but- they'd have to make videos as proof :) and I'd go with my Pops]
Ugh Anyway back on track, I guess I'm just looking for a place. where I can play every instrument at once and have breakfast with the Armstrong & Cool family[Preferably].
Part II
I really want to be on the Samsung Fresh-film's crew for Chicago next year! If I can't play all instruments and be reborn a guy, my other [& Most reasonable] best job will; and i say will because of the reason that IT WILL; be directing Music videos. [Better that Sam Bayer. Anton Corbijn? Yea. I PWN THEM.] haha on that note I just think It'd be a really great experience to see how editing, filming, acting, and organizing all complement eachother, and I think I could benefit from it in alot of ways, and really be inspired to just do stuff that I love, and feel accepted while doing it. So yea!
cross your fingerss I get in!
Part III
Just a little teensy-weensy update I have a lump on my Right Axillary. Yeah. the pit with the poop-stain birth-mark got a little rub-down with some green gel and a ultrasound stick.
nothing serious, the radiologist didn't need to talk to us, so just quietly waiting for results is all.
Okay this is the end of my blog now!
Surprised you read the entire blog...
hm.
nightynight
Just watching Brent on Blogtv-
supposed to be voting but it's getting too close to school time for me to be paying any attention whatsoever. (Makes Sense...? no.) Oh and plus my mom took away my phone because she thinks we'll get charged for abusing the power that is "Unlimited Texting". Ugh it's weird because when I'm on the internet I feel like I'm a part of something, you know? I mean, it's probably just me, but to be honest I really don't have many friends in real life so the internet kinda gives me a chance to... I guess, pretend?
Like I see Sacre & Beth talk back and forth on twitters. see they're like half way across the country. (well I don't know for sure but they could, right?) And they talk like they're best friends that talk every day at school. I just want that really bad, someone to tell me what I missed in Brent's chat, or how awkward shaycarl's vid is. Go to a frigging gathering together and meet our IDOLS. someone to make me feel like I'm not a complete oddball or geek? There's another world on the internet, of all people I might have the chance to finally fit in with. But the entire real world, consisting of tv, radio, articles and newspaper, they make my family and everyone else believe EVERYBODY on the internet is a middle-aged lonely, horny man with a cutesy screen name and an intent to hook up with a 13 year-old girl. I'm NOT denying it. I would be lying if I said there wern't. But what people don't realize is that's the negative. Any smart, responsible internet user would know not to trust, fully, the people they meet on here. [And I know I just suggested meeting up at a gathering, but- they'd have to make videos as proof :) and I'd go with my Pops]
Ugh Anyway back on track, I guess I'm just looking for a place. where I can play every instrument at once and have breakfast with the Armstrong & Cool family[Preferably].
Part II
I really want to be on the Samsung Fresh-film's crew for Chicago next year! If I can't play all instruments and be reborn a guy, my other [& Most reasonable] best job will; and i say will because of the reason that IT WILL; be directing Music videos. [Better that Sam Bayer. Anton Corbijn? Yea. I PWN THEM.] haha on that note I just think It'd be a really great experience to see how editing, filming, acting, and organizing all complement eachother, and I think I could benefit from it in alot of ways, and really be inspired to just do stuff that I love, and feel accepted while doing it. So yea!
cross your fingerss I get in!
Part III
Just a little teensy-weensy update I have a lump on my Right Axillary. Yeah. the pit with the poop-stain birth-mark got a little rub-down with some green gel and a ultrasound stick.
nothing serious, the radiologist didn't need to talk to us, so just quietly waiting for results is all.
Okay this is the end of my blog now!
Surprised you read the entire blog...
hm.
nightynight
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