Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I'd Like To Hear

You tell me that I could make music just like you one day.
You tell me, that even though I'm a sickly looking, unhappy, disobediant and hyperactive little girl with no voice or talent, I can feel what it's like to scream truths on stages and in dirty vans underneath cheap wool hotel blankets.
You tell me that being female won't affect what people think.
I'd like to hear you talk to me, period.


Look, whoever gave me the job of being who I am didn't know who I was going to want to be.
But that's not an excuse.

be prepared to join my journey here.



Saturday, August 1, 2009

Waiting.

for the day Maniac comes to Chicago.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Best Day of my Life.


I have my video camera on a plane.
"Record".
I catch the clouds pushing the wings, rocking, wobbling.
I set it down & sigh because this isn't going to amount to anything. It's going to be a duraclean convention. honestly? interesting? huh.
I watch a little bit.
Clouds always remind me of life. I love clouds. I think about how someone decides paths for every person, and divides up the up times and the low times, and how someone has to be in charge.
Clouds were everywhere until the sun ran too far ahead from me to catch it, and I was blind until I woke up the next morning.
The couple of days following our arrival was the exact definition of how I felt about those clouds. up, down, down, up, up, up. [Going to aunt dotty's house to discuss the death of her husband, new shoes, cream cheese bagels, pigeons, other people complaining, me complaining...]
Until the last night we'd be there.
last night.

we are in the cheers bar [the place where they filmed the tv show "cheers".]
and I'm having a great time. the burger sucks, but so does all the other burgers in boston. we're all wrapping up the trip with funny inside jokes about the trip so far.
Mom suggests a little walk to the swan boat pond and everyone is quick to agree- except Grandma.
but, hey, thats normal.
we're walking and I look at these trees. big willows, and twisted leafy ones that are WAY more pretty than the ones we have here. I adjust my gaze for one second to carry on a conversation with my mom. Fluid as the godd*amn air in my lungs I catch this man's eyes on my mine and they sit long enough for us both to keep walking and turn our heads completely around. what now seems like a millennium later,
all the weight in the entire boston city collapsed on my chest and I say in the lowest and most urgent voice I could:
"Mom, that was shawn harris."
"No, it IS not." She laughs.
she doesn't know that I KNOW him. my free time is about learning about HIM. how he looks now, how he looked in high school, how he looked in 2004, 2006, and on the backs of every album cover. My mom doesn't know I know what things he eats, how much he updates his blog. She doesn't know I feel the sick from them leaving us, the butterflies when I think about california and seeing them, or the content that swallows me up and poops me out when I'm listening to their music.

and she obviously doesn't know that this is Shawn Harris.

I push the invisible weight off my body and I can almost hear it land.
"I know it, mom, I know it is,"
"then go ahead," I feel like it's sarcastic, but I know I'm taking it as invitation.
"WHERES THE CELLPHONE?!? GIVE ME MY CELL PHONE!"
I'm glancing back and I see him walking. My heart is pounding out of my chest and I'm convulsing with so much adrenaline.
"what? sara, you have your cell pho-"
"THE CAMERA! I MEAN THE CAMERA!"
I'm scratching at her fanny pack.
she pulls it out and I run.
I run like I should've ran to catch that sun the night we came.
I run like nothing I've ever done has meant as much to me as this minute right here.
It feels like the more I pump, the faster he and his group walks.
I swing around his right side and touch his arm.
"Hey"
I'm huffing hard. It hurts to breathe and I'm looking straight in his eyes.
"Are you... Shawn? from the Matches?"
he laughs like my mom did.
"Yea, I'm shawn, or I would be..."
he goes on a little bit and cracks a joke with his friends. I can't hear him through the pounding in my ears from the hot blood and I blurt.
"Can I get a Picture?" I smile and I'm still looking at him.
"yea, sure, sure."
I hold my camera and I can see my hand shaking. I snap it.
"maybe if you turned the flash on-"
"I can take it if you want me to" a small voice made it past my ears.
"yea, yea- she can take it"
I hand it to a woman with long black hair and exaggerated eyeshadow. she looks his age.
we smile.
it flashes.
I feel him pat my back two times super light as she walks up.
I approve it an go to walk away but his eyes held me.
I'd most likely never ever see him again. I didn't mind being nerdy because I knew this was BIG.
He leans over and says,
"but really. have a cool day."
"Thanks."
I Run.
I Run, I Run, I Run.
I gag, tear up, and stuck my arms out like a fan girl.
I can't breathe, and I Run.
I'm still Running.
Running to the rest of my life where I can be who I'm meant to be.
Running to new places,
Running from old.
Running to see anyone & be anywhere
Running from whoever's in control, because I know that someone has to be chickensh*t crazy to let me be so happy ALL the time.

But whoever that person is just gave me a hint and I'm going to stick by it.

;]

long live the matches, daydreaming, & believing that everything, from the new shoes to the sudden death of a great uncle, happens for a reason.
& Long Live excitement.


love.


Friday, July 17, 2009

I do.

sitting past midnight.
the grease bleeds onto the water, and i'm still stuck being a human, aren't i? I'll still never cry hard enough to roll time back. I'll never defeat gravity or the laws of basic instict. I'm haunted even if i feel stupid, and the stupid girls are never plagued by ghosts. I'm still way gone with innocence and it's deciet.
Humans are gravity and basic instinct.
fail me.
fail me right now before i say anything else i mean, but i should regret, because i can't do anything about it.
I miss you.
I do.
I love you.
and I do.
and I really. Fucking.
Thank You.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Summertime

It's memorial day weekend and I can't wait for summer to just be here. I've missed the pool, the computer, the clean-ness, sleeping, and most of all: Green Day. 
21st Century Breakdown came out just last Friday, May 15 and it was neccessary. neccessary is the only way I can put it, because it feels like the last 5 Months or so I've been in rolling through this personal phase of my life where I'm not sinking myself into new music, or I'm not ignoring everything completely.. just living my life is all. I'm finally focused on school and nothing else matters right now, I guess, but because of summer coming up, I'm excited for that change. Green Day is my summer soundtrack, and this new cd and tour is making a possibility for a connection to be made- I'm sure anyone who I've ever talked to about concerts know what I'm talking about- and I'm waiting for that connection to be made. 
sorry about my poor writing quality my mom is yelling at me for some reason and I gotta goo.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Themes and Days. + the Theme for the Day.

Today's theme is that bad sinking feeling in your stomach.

Happy VD.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Chicago

Maybe if you looked out a window to look down on Chicago, you’ll realize some things about your world.

It’s no sunny boardwalk. It’s a balanced and constant shade of dirt and grime and alarm clock.

The sickly mishapen concrete slabs wear down every shoe that slides across it.

Similar, the winter.

Scuffed off the shoes of the homeless that weekend.

When you look outside, you understand how spiderman could gently carve the sky scrapers.

Superman.

Batman.

You can then understand the toyness in the buildings, the playground and the innocence of the small-looking stepping stools and the imagination laying over the roofs.

Now that I’m being forced to leave I can’t help but think what my town is doing.

And all I can come up with

Is nothing.

Probably sleeping in their walmart waiting for something.

Probably sleeping in their tv’s, wishing for someone to bring food.

Probably sleeping underneath the local beer bottles on a bar stool,

Wondering where their daughter went, why their relationships have turned mind-numbing, and dry, and frosty, and uninspiring.

Probably sleeping while they roll into bed to sleep some more.

Well,

I say,

Their city is awake and wide.

A wide, wide city with singers and beggars and steel-framed buildings and cancer and faces and facades.

They may be as paper as the buildings,

As clean as the yellow taxi-cabs they ride,

But at least they’re up.

Monday, December 15, 2008

You don't know this.

I was walking through my imagination today and I recognized you let your red coals smolder out. The leaves are changing, so is my motivation, and just feeling like a theatrical project. But who are you? I meet you in my dreams, my writing, my thoughts when I’m far from the real people. Like now, I cannot see you, I do not feel you, but I see you in everything I am. May be much bigger than that of the invention of washing machines, microwaves. Aesthetic impression is not my triumph and you, Blue flame of mine, aren’t a good example. Breathe, Hesitated Monster destroyer, you are wasted on Polish pints and the careful planning of a lost fetus. You are me, and you don’t know this.

You don't know how the corners of my mind crack instead of wear, allowing meaningless sentences to flit far from my split lips. Inhale. exhale. I wish I could spit just one word in your direction. one note in an opera to convey an SOS. A splinter in the splint of wood that keeps every one of them up, to help you out, just a little.

Break you down, start, start again. start and start and start until 7 continuous strings have held a baby from burning his fingers.

I'm not here to talk about my outer self.
my enviroment.
I'm here to talk about you. Your blue flame, or you lack of.
I was wrong about people like you.
things like you.
but then again,
you are me, and you don't know this.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Just stop. [I am sorry.]

Stop to call yourself out, once every while.
No, scream yourself out.
You've had that feeling, where you just get done crying and criticizing and whining about someone doing something "they didn't have control over," and when you turn around, go back home, you realize you're doing the same thing, only worse. Everything is so confusing now that he's gone.
There. I've said it.
I miss that stability, that smile to lead me on. even though I wasted a valuable time in my life feeling guilty and on the phone, I miss his low, sweeping voice telling me what the best part of the day was.
He brought me that rock to stand on, and though he wasn't the most reliable or strong rock of the bunch, he gave me all he could manage to. maybe that's why I'm scared for Kaitlyn.
again, I've said it.
I don't hate her.
I just don't want the same thing to happen, the happiness for him or the hurt for her.
[for God's sake, she's just learning... and she doesn't need the hard way, Aaron... please be better for her than you were for me, if you're out there...somewhere...]
But who am I to say the weight of her heart doesn't match his?
I barely know her.
I barely know anything anymore, and my friends will confirm that.
I am so sorry for making mean comments about you liking her because she was one year younger.
when, I just may be falling for a guy that is two years older.
I'm sorry for ripping you apart when you had two girls you liked.
I'm liking four.
I'm sorry for playing those games with you when we weren't going out.
But I still fantasize about spending the night by the other guys' side.
none of us know whats right. we're just teenagers with our eyes set on peace and happiness.
but I'm sick of playing these games with them.
I'm no whore.
I'm no...

Friday, November 14, 2008

60 cent lighters and blank notebooks

in abundance.
on a sunday, trying to hide underneath the falling rain.
How...
human?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

she raises her wine glass to the wall

and says, "God Bless."
memories stick to her eyelids like the veins.
she sighs and wipes the oil and dust off her neck.
She may be a slut. You might be right, you might get to her, once.
But for now, you see a strange girl you say you love, and in your hurricane of negativity and "honesty" you forget she's real. She's sitting, physically, in front of you, Kate. She didn't ask for the attention. let her enjoy it if she does- her week hasn't been great, neither has yours.but you never hear her telling you you're ugly, you can't do things.
Just fucking listen, Kate.
stop thinking she's wierd or annoying and just listen for once.
You think you're being a help but you are just hurting.
you have the bad home, she's always had the bad friends, the bad school, the bad bus the bad kids on the bus the bad names thrown at her ever since 1st grade. she's not saying its worse than what you went through, but its her struggle, and no matter what she'd want respect for that. You think you know. but you don't know the first thing about her and what she went through to get one friend and now she has people that want to go out with her for the first time and you act like she shouldn't be enjoying the attention? Suck it up, you have your armcandy. Now let her find hers in sweet peace. with support. sith positivity, and optimism,
like she did for you.
just please.
please.
LISTEN.


[it's a good thing she's doesn't even want to check what I have to say on this blogspot. My opinions don't matter to her or any of my "bffs."]

Monday, October 27, 2008

Writing es una coming.

uhm kay
this is just a blog saying I have many works of
...bloggage...
that I'm working on in word. I've been very inspired lately and felt like writing, so I'm sure when it's ready to be posted, it'll be posted like the teabagging blue m&m on a sweaty treadmill.
I love anyone who es una reading thizz!
<3

Friday, October 17, 2008

In Weilding Much Energy

You tire faster, with greater impact.
How would you feel if every time you did something you liked, you were teased. You were put down and kicked.
Here I am, actually not falling at all, thanks to you.

Monday, October 6, 2008

I Don't Know, But Thanks.

I am thinking right now. And not only about goals, or the loss of innocence and truth, or even social discomfort. All I'm thinking about doing, and it freaks me out that I am, but I just wanted to say thanks. anyone who's reading this deserves my thanks. even if you aren't reading it. every person in my life brings hints to emotions that I really ought to appreciate, whether they're good feelings or bad. it makes me feel a little better knowing a diverse group of people determine how I set my mood, instead of having a few close friends.
I'm thankful that people still believe in the goodness of the world, the gifts that hide behind the polluted ponds and murky seas. That beating heart in the mounds of dead. The Survivor in the disease.
Not only am I thankful for that, but I'm thankful people care enough about me to get off their asses in the morning to go to work and not only give me a more than liveable home, but now, a possible vacation home to go to. I'm thankful of that inspiration they instill in me to get educated and maybe one day become as successful as them, have a family of my own, and work my butt off doing what I love.
I would want to thank the lab workers, factory workers, engineers, plumbers, doctors,and everyone else I haven't mentioned for getting on their knees, hands grimy in dirt to give my spoiled self everything I have; with no expense to me but maybe a couple of dollars if it was a "want".

I came into my blog tonight expecting to talk about how unfair my pitiful teenage life was.
But my life's nothing to sneeze at; I really am lucky.
Thanks, really.
everyone.
-sara

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

many truths. or 3. However you look at life.

1:
people in texas, (the dallas area particularly) are always musically gifted and are about 80% better looking. PROVEN.
2:
It's super fun to use your camcorder for school.
3:
Real Procrostinators are able to use jawbreakers as an excuse.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

SickSickSickitySickk.

hi.
I haven't written a whole lot, have I?
hmm.
I've been ill with bad colds and minor flu douches.
but turning fifteen lessened the tremendous (not so much) pain??
working on about 5 videos at once, and my movie maker is gettin quite jumbly in my tumbly, if you ask me.
I've actually been working on a huge blog thats really negative so far but will (probably?) have a positive ending. and like I said, I'm going to try and put more music/politics in my blog because I'm feeling a little to journally with this whole blogging thing.
anyway, so i can get my silly little stuffed-up face to bed-
I acheived two cd's for my birthday.
one, "consolers of the lonely", by The Raconteurs.
:| Oh. EHM. GEE..!
effing great cd.
all the songs I've listened to so far,
are gold. All worthy for the public. (Kind of like american idiot, how all those songs were so great)
and the I got fresh fruit for rotting vegetables from dead kennedys but i pretty much downloaded all the songs illegally so its not a biggie :X.

AH
HH
I am so sleepy!
night.

Friday, September 19, 2008

erm. Hai.

Waiting for my video to fix itself.
I'm so tired; sick; annoyed; and unmotivated to the point of mental implosion.
I don't want school.
I don't want to sit on the computer.
I don't want to watch t.v., or talk to anyone.
I want to listen to music; eat; and sleep.
I don't want to get drug into a church that belives in slaying anyone who doesn't believe with all their heart, even if you try to bribe me with caffiene.
No; I will sit on my bed, and polish my cds.
I don't know how far that'll get me in the future, but who cares?
Hmm.
I guess I do, huh?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

These; The Things I Hate

these are a few pet peeves of mine.
a list of the 50 things I love will be arriving soon, because as I wrote it, as negative as I was, I would think "Well, I actually love that, not hate it...".
The beauty of brainstorming, huh?
:)

1) the human body can't run on artificial energy after so many hours of sleeplessness.
2)the ways of which we have been raised either enables us or makes it impossible to film ourselves.
3)The fact I am the age I am and still kept from doing things I love.
6)How you can try so much, work so hard, but still fall short and have someone point it out.
7) I hate how there can be one person, and no matter what they do, no matter how you know them, or if you know them at all, they'll always be picked on & shoved down.
8)There is always a cheater. or a liar. or a suck up.
9)All guys think the same way: her hair's too short. her eye's are too brown. [Why wasn't she born perfect?]
10) The human heart, no matter how hard it trys to fool itself, always wants just a friend.
11) people who think they're too cool for anything; or can't stand watching people have a good time.
12) Being embarassed because you act like yourself too much.
13)How people don't take showers often.
14)earphones say liifetime warranty (but mean only two weeks)
15)how someone wants to be so positive, but is so negative.
16)how some girls will do anything for a guys attention.
17) when all you need is a rainy day to make you think, all you get is sun.
18)going to the fridge and finding out there's no soda.
19)breaking guitar strings
20)the inability to draw
21)dirty looks from girls you've hated since they outcast you.
22)people who think they have the right to not only be "honest", but brutally malicious.
23)really sensitive people
24)whenever OhAndThis"JustIn" swears in front of his son
25)"fingerquote""Gangsters""fingerquote"
26)It's impossible to be fully conscious in Science.
27)losing ONE slipper. [such a tease]
28)sour cream.
29)the stubby end of the broccoli
30)How I always feel so sick, but they're no symptoms to anything.
31)thick&creamy mac and cheese.
32)my town
33)the color blue
34)old flashlights when the lights go out.
35)sports movies
36) people with little sense of humor.
37)how I still look for him, even when he's gone.
38)post its that don't stick
39)people that can't accept criticizm or lie to seem interesting
40)illegal downloading [old habits die hard]
41)the raw nose you get when you have a cold.
42)late library books.
43) cd's that look like they can be burned, but when you pop them into your computer, you get that uh oh warning that says : "please insert a BLANK disc", and then you feel stupid, like an inanimate object is smarter than you.
44)being so lazy
45)that nostolgia only lasts for a few seconds.
46)ugly plants in the yard of a pretty house.
47)black jellybeans
48)writing checks [frusturate me.]
49)not having any skill.
50)SCHOOL.
I blame all my major problems on it.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

It's 1:13 A.M., I'm Listening to White Stripes, I'm waiting for a video to upload on the computer- face it. Conditions are perfect for a little blogging. FACEBOOK I got a facebook for the first time, and it's like everything myspace wish it had. Although I'm still figuring out what half of the web-space does and how to work it all I can tell... This will be an OBSESSION. SICK I've been feeling rather sick lately, like achy, and my head hurts alot, I don't know why. I can't tell if it's just a virus or something else; possibly? All this doctor-seeing is making my brain go places it doesn't need to go, and that's all I'll say about that. VIDEOS I found out today I was a better problem-solver than I originally thought I was! lol not to brag but jeezz. [I think I got abnormally lucky, to be truthful.] DREAMS I had a really cool/weird dream last night that made me psyched,,, queestion mark? I was playing drums. good. and it felt like.... like finding a 100$ bill. like that good. that's one thing I hope to experience the joy of.

Is This Stupid?

Riddle me this:
When someone commends me on my "Free Spirit", My mom agrees.

But,
she'd rather buy a pair of 50$ jeans that yuppies wear to show off,
and a t-shirt for 20,
than a sweatshirt for 30$, and a t-shirt for 10.
because of it's color.


I've gotten things I wanted all my life, I know that,
but why the sudden hypocritical mistake?
hmm. but it's happened so often,
Its hard to call it a mistake.

well, all in all, whether it's stupid, I still feel like saying one thing to her:
F*ck you,
Mom.
Go "Support my individuality" all you want,
but I'll be sure to let everyone know what the truth is in the end.
*winks*