I have my video camera on a plane.
"Record".
I catch the clouds pushing the wings, rocking, wobbling.
I set it down & sigh because this isn't going to amount to anything. It's going to be a duraclean convention. honestly? interesting? huh.
I watch a little bit.
Clouds always remind me of life. I love clouds. I think about how someone decides paths for every person, and divides up the up times and the low times, and how someone has to be in charge.
Clouds were everywhere until the sun ran too far ahead from me to catch it, and I was blind until I woke up the next morning.
The couple of days following our arrival was the exact definition of how I felt about those clouds. up, down, down, up, up, up. [Going to aunt dotty's house to discuss the death of her husband, new shoes, cream cheese bagels, pigeons, other people complaining, me complaining...]
Until the last night we'd be there.
last night.
we are in the cheers bar [the place where they filmed the tv show "cheers".]
and I'm having a great time. the burger sucks, but so does all the other burgers in boston. we're all wrapping up the trip with funny inside jokes about the trip so far.
Mom suggests a little walk to the swan boat pond and everyone is quick to agree- except Grandma.
but, hey, thats normal.
we're walking and I look at these trees. big willows, and twisted leafy ones that are WAY more pretty than the ones we have here. I adjust my gaze for one second to carry on a conversation with my mom. Fluid as the godd*amn air in my lungs I catch this man's eyes on my mine and they sit long enough for us both to keep walking and turn our heads completely around. what now seems like a millennium later,
all the weight in the entire boston city collapsed on my chest and I say in the lowest and most urgent voice I could:
"Mom, that was shawn harris."
"No, it IS not." She laughs.
she doesn't know that I KNOW him. my free time is about learning about HIM. how he looks now, how he looked in high school, how he looked in 2004, 2006, and on the backs of every album cover. My mom doesn't know I know what things he eats, how much he updates his blog. She doesn't know I feel the sick from them leaving us, the butterflies when I think about california and seeing them, or the content that swallows me up and poops me out when I'm listening to their music.
and she obviously doesn't know that this is Shawn Harris.
I push the invisible weight off my body and I can almost hear it land.
"I know it, mom, I know it is,"
"then go ahead," I feel like it's sarcastic, but I know I'm taking it as invitation.
"WHERES THE CELLPHONE?!? GIVE ME MY CELL PHONE!"
I'm glancing back and I see him walking. My heart is pounding out of my chest and I'm convulsing with so much adrenaline.
"what? sara, you have your cell pho-"
"THE CAMERA! I MEAN THE CAMERA!"
I'm scratching at her fanny pack.
she pulls it out and I run.
I run like I should've ran to catch that sun the night we came.
I run like nothing I've ever done has meant as much to me as this minute right here.
It feels like the more I pump, the faster he and his group walks.
I swing around his right side and touch his arm.
"Hey"
I'm huffing hard. It hurts to breathe and I'm looking straight in his eyes.
"Are you... Shawn? from the Matches?"
he laughs like my mom did.
"Yea, I'm shawn, or I would be..."
he goes on a little bit and cracks a joke with his friends. I can't hear him through the pounding in my ears from the hot blood and I blurt.
"Can I get a Picture?" I smile and I'm still looking at him.
"yea, sure, sure."
I hold my camera and I can see my hand shaking. I snap it.
"maybe if you turned the flash on-"
"I can take it if you want me to" a small voice made it past my ears.
"yea, yea- she can take it"
I hand it to a woman with long black hair and exaggerated eyeshadow. she looks his age.
we smile.
it flashes.
I feel him pat my back two times super light as she walks up.
I approve it an go to walk away but his eyes held me.
I'd most likely never ever see him again. I didn't mind being nerdy because I knew this was BIG.
He leans over and says,
"but really. have a cool day."
"Thanks."
I Run.
I Run, I Run, I Run.
I gag, tear up, and stuck my arms out like a fan girl.
I can't breathe, and I Run.
I'm still Running.
Running to the rest of my life where I can be who I'm meant to be.
Running to new places,
Running from old.
Running to see anyone & be anywhere
Running from whoever's in control, because I know that someone has to be chickensh*t crazy to let me be so happy ALL the time.
But whoever that person is just gave me a hint and I'm going to stick by it.
;]
long live the matches, daydreaming, & believing that everything, from the new shoes to the sudden death of a great uncle, happens for a reason.
& Long Live excitement.
love.
